Written to my husband before I left.

What can I tell you that you don’t already know. How can I make you understand what I am saying with words that seem to pass around you like smoke vanishing into the dark. What new words are there. What new behavior can I display. How can I continue to show you the love that you refuse to return. Your words of love pass by me like smoke on a windy night. Not followed up by any action. Does my love feel for you the same as my words? Is it possible that I am as cold to you as your love feels to me? Does your desire and compassion begin and end with your own need and wants? Do I mean so little to you that it does not matter what my needs are? Is there a better way? Instead of a question should I state my feelings as fact?
My feelings are confused, I can not tell if I am being needy or selfish in the face of your rejection. Have I become so needy in our relationship that I have actually become the behavior I so resent in you? Have I forsaken your need for fear that mine will not be met? How do I tell you these things without sounding like the person I accuse you of being? I feel blind, confused I know what I see but your words defy what my mind knows to be true. You love me, want me, need me yet you don’t like me. I want to talk too much when all you want to do is just enjoy some quiet time. I no longer take the time to take care of your physical needs. I ask too much of you and give too little. You love me, want me, need me yet you don’t look at me. You don’t see me. You prefer not to interact when you walk through the door. I complain too much about things that don’t matter to you. I have become every girl that you have known before me, bitch, cunt, and more. You begged me to tell you of the pain of my past and then use it to hurt me at the very first chance you get.
I don’t know if I can forget or forgive. You have not betrayed me in a physical way with another. You have refused to let me leave the room, control my own money or be an equal in my own home. I am afraid. You say you can not live with out me. You can no longer sleep in a bed with out me beside you. Yet how can I stay. The anger, the words, the hate and resentment. Not always towards me yet always there. Always the first response to anything that isn’t what you want. When the dogs bark, or the bird screams the first thing you do is yell just as loud as they make their noise. You swear when they don’t respond to your command. Yet you don’t pay attention to them except when you feel the need to. Did you know that you treat me the same as that. You say you will love and take care of me yet when I ask for your care you do not know what I want or need. It is not a good time, and you are too tired. Did you not promise these animals the same promise that you made to me. Do I really think that one day you will treat me better than them? For now it is the same.
How can I stay? We are strangers sleeping in the same bed. You have now taken to listening to my complaints. Pat me on the back and hold me close to you. You want my kisses but give me no assurance that you heard me. That you understand my concerns. You make no steps to bring us closer together. You make no commitment to work on our relationship together. There is no compromise, no argument. No promise that we are strong, that we will preserver. There is no plan, no strategy. You want me to reassure you with a hug and a kiss that we are okay. We are not okay and I don’t want your kisses. How can I stay with so much fear? Won’t my fears be the same if I leave? My pain will be just as great. My loneliness will not change. If I leave you will tell me that I have betrayed you. You will never forgive me you have said. Yet you never say stay. You never say lets fight for this. You never say I will try.
You tell me that you have always been treated this way. You tell me that I am playing with your emotions. You tell me that I am not clear and I am playing games. You tell me I can’t live on my own. That I need you. That if I leave you, you will never take me back. You tell me that I hold my past against you. Yet it is you who told me I was too weak to stand up to those who hurt me so I could never be stronger than you. You told me you could hurt me if you wanted to but you choose not to. Your words are mean. Your true nature has yet to be reveled to me. You hide who you really are because you know I will not stay. I believe that every person deserves love. I can not be that person for you. I can not love so much hate. So much anger. I can not stay.


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