She walked a line between fear and courage. Wanting to run yet continuing on to spite the adversity. She has tried to give up before. Her will to live, to love was just too strong. She couldn’t shake the hope that there was safety out there. She had a strong desire to find others who would accept her.
As her travels continued on she was loosing faith. She started to believe that she was unlovable. The echos of the past haunted her dreams and memories. Every person she came across was just another potential abuser. A monster hidden behind bright smiles and guarded eyes.
She tried to believe that most of these people were just as damaged as her. She gave her all with the hope that she would bring the best out in those who did their worst. She would fight until she was convinced that there was no hope for peace. She learned to behave in a way that would not upset those around her. She believed that acceptance from others would come if she could find a way to adjust her behavior.
She believed completely that others treated her badly because she was bad. There must be something inside her that caused anger and violence in others. She was convinced if she treated others with the love, acceptance and compassion that she so desperately needed then they would in return have to love her back. Isn’t that the way we are told polite society works.
She didn’t know to protect herself until she could no longer live in which ever hell she was currently fighting. This meant she took a lot of violence and pain before she would leave. She would fight for that love until she could no longer go on then she would run. Her choice to run would make her vulnerable to even more judgments and anger from those who she hoped would help. It would enrage those she left behind. They would all label her bad. Sometimes even deserving of the abuse she took.
She would again look into herself for the reason she was treated bad. She searched her mind and soul for anything she could find that was bad or broken. These things that she found she could do nothing with so she would seek help from professionals. These professionals labeled her. They used words like unstable, maladjusted, depressed, unbalanced. They gave her medication that would quiet her mind but it only made things worse.
She never told these professionals what she had been through. She only wanted to know what she could change to learn how to accept the life she was living. Why was it that she couldn’t accept the abuse. She saw other people living in it. This must be the way the world is. So why couldn’t she learn to cope. She believed there was something so fundamentally wrong with her that she would never be safe. The professionals agreed and gave her more drugs.
No one asked and she couldn’t tell.