Not Always The Victim

I wonder how I am going to trust. I realize now just what kind of impact my life has had on me and the damage it has done to my mind. I am afraid. I feel lost. I have been a victim in so many ways. So many situations I was just trying to protect my children I put my self in became terrifying. So much out of my control. How do I find a place where I feel like not just safe but were I don’t feel like I have to protect myself from the people I have chosen to trust. A place where I am a part of not just here until my usefulness wears out. I have not chosen to be a victim yet some of the choices that I’ve made based on the information that I had and the options available at the time put me in positions to be taken advantage of. I am weary and sad. Not that I want to give up. I have hope. I want to trust. I want to love and be loved. I just don’t know if I can allow it. I don’t know if I can trust my own instincts. I am afraid that I will put myself back in a position to be abused. I don’t want to be a victim anymore.

How do we not be a victim. Knowledge right? We use the lessons of the past to keep us safe today? I don’t know how I feel about that. The lessons I have learned mean that I’m not safe ever. No one can be trusted and every one has a motive, a reason. I don’t want to be afraid of everyone. I want to have friends. I want to be a friend. I want to give love and be loved. So many things I have blocked from my mind just to keep from going completely insane. When these memories return I realize how vulnerable I was. I was that vulnerable because I wanted nothing more than to be loved and accepted. To be a good girl. Isn’t that what I still want? Doesn’t that mean I am still vulnerable?

I am told I am strong because I survived. How does surviving make me strong. Wouldn’t being strong mean I was no longer just surviving, but that I was living?  What does that mean. I don’t think there will come a time when I will be able to forget. I really wish that the dreams would stop, that the memories would go away. Maybe I’m asking for too much.