Sept 23, 2012, was such a wonderful day. I have so many fond memories. It is the day I pledged to spend the rest of my life with one man. Our vows did not consist of love, honor and cherish they talked about respect, compassion and unity. We fell well short of our vows. Just over three years later I left. Now on the eve of our fourth anniversary I struggle not to see this as a bad day. I choose to remember the spirit of the day. The high hopes for a future together. I don’t want to regret, but I do. I don’t want to be bitter, but I am. I don’t want to be angry or sad. I don’t want the result to taint the memory but it does.
What do you do with happy memories that bring so much pain. It is hard to think of this day and not think what if. I don’t regret my vows. I regret that I was unable to keep them. I don’t hate the day or what it stood for in my life. I am sorry that the hopes and dreams I thought we shared were unfulfilled. I am not sorry that it ended. It needed to end. It all became so unhealthy. So how do I move forward with this memory? I want to hold it as precious, special because it was. But the memory causes pain, sadness and regret. I can’t pretend it didn’t happen. Maybe a bottle of wine will get me through. To bad I don’t drink. Maybe one day the sting of this day won’t be so great.