I was feeling stronger for the last couple of days. I have my moments where I think I’m going to be okay and I can handle all of this. Then I have a night like last night where all of the loneliness and worry floods my mind. Could I have done things differently? Did I really have to leave? Was it really as bad as I feel? I know the answer is yes, I know I could not have stayed I would have continued to be resentful and angry. I would have continued to let them hurt me. Now I worry that I have put myself in a situation where I again am taking a back seat to another and I don’t quite know what to do. There is no abuse here but what I want and need continues not to matter. When will I matter to another person. I know I continue to whine about being alone and lonely and allowing others to have what they want at the expense of my own needs. I know that those who do read this must be tired of the complaining. I am just so deeply sad by all of the events in the last two years and I can’t seem to find my own voice or my own feet. I need to be firm and ask for what I need and find someone who respects me as a person and doesn’t see me as an object. I know that the path to do that is a long one and an emotional one. I don’t think I’m ready to take that journey. I also don’t want to be somebody’s good enough or second.