Alone

I am alone most of the time even though I am renting a room in another persons home. This is the first time in 23 years that I have lived this alone. The person I am renting from is gone a lot and my children are grown and on their own. As we all know I have just left my husband so I am having a difficult time making the transition. I am still mourning the loss of my relationship. So I am sad not quite depressed as I feel empowered to have left but sad. I am also starting to feel lonely.  I am reaching out to a few people but I find a very old fear getting in my way. After what I have gone through the last few years with my husband I am feeling venerable and quite wary of other people. I have struggled with agoraphobia in the past and need to work hard not to let that overwhelm me again.

I have been going for walks and writing to pass the time but I haven’t been interacting very much with other people. Some of this I know is normal. It is a part of healing except that I am feeling the need to reach out and I am reluctant to do so. There are many reasons for this. Some of it has to do with just finding it a daunting task to meet new people. I also really for the first time feel worried about judgment. This isn’t usually a feeling that I have had to deal with. I am pretty solid in who I am and the choices that I’ve made. I am also afraid of being taken advantage of again. I don’t want to be hurt by people anymore. I need to make cautious steps out of my safe place and out of my mind. I have made an appointment with therapist just to make sure I stay stable through this transition. It hasn’t been a lot of time and I need to allow myself more time to heal. I’m sure I will gain my confidence back. Hope is all we have.

 

By, TJP

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