A Small Break

A couple of nights ago I could no longer contain my pain and fear. I cried, and talked and told another what was in my mind. I don’t like to share what I think in that way. I don’t feel like my thoughts when muddled with so much emotions are an accurate picture of what I think and feel. Yes, it expresses the thoughts and feelings of the moment but not my overall beliefs on my situation. My daily feelings are not the same as they are at the moments of those breaks. These breaks usher forth all of the pain and heartache spanning years of life, love, pain, success and struggle. In these breaks emotions pull at memories that are triggered by the pain of the current thoughts or situations. It becomes difficult to separate past and present in these moments. It is not to say that it isn’t good to let the feelings come forth. It may even be a wonderful thing to let another see that pain. But for me it is a very vulnerable place to be. I have a great fear of falling apart. I’m not worried about being judged by another but sharing those kinds of moments can give the wrong kind of people power over you. Thankfully the person who was present for this particular break is a very loving and safe person but the fear still stands. I feel better for having had all of these thoughts and emotions come to the surface and face some light. My very good friend helped me through this moment in the most wonderful way. He related, this was a new experience for me. I felt safe. This is not a feeling that happens often or easily for me. I am trying to accept it for what it is but I think it healed me some. For that I am so grateful. Maybe the crack healed a little. I can only hope.

 

By, TJP

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