No Small Healing

Hope: a feeling of expectation and desire for something to happen
aspiration, wish, goal

Faith: complete trust or confidence in someone or something
strong belief in god or spiritual doctrine

What do these words mean to me? These words saved my life. I know this is a strong statement. I believe it is the truth for me. I’m not talking about magical thinking. I’m not talking about religion. I’m talking about strength, and the desire to not just exist but to live. To take some control of my mind and heart.

I no longer wanted to be other people’s punching bag. I no longer wanted to live my life based on the judgments and narrow-minded expectations of others. I needed to feel whole, validated. I needed to accept my own truth and experience. I could no longer look to others for acceptance and happiness. I needed to find these thing in my own mind and soul.

A long time ago someone said to me you can’t judge a fish on its ability to climb a tree. I understood fundamentally that fish were not made to climb trees. I know that fish are made to swim. But I had a hard time applying that knowledge to my own life. See, I had been told my whole life that I wasn’t good enough because I was flawed in some way or another. Because I didn’t try hard enough. I was compared to those around me and I couldn’t measure up. I felt constantly like I had failed at being human.

I now understand that the only thing I was failing at was trying to be something other than what I am. I was trying to be something that others wanted. Because I had a deep need to be wanted. To feel loved and be accepted. We all have these needs. They are a normal part of being human. What I didn’t know was that if I could not accept who I was I would always be that fish failing at climbing the tree. I was living against my own nature.

The Line

By, TJP

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